My body is here in this time and Now. But, my mind is back when I was 17 years old. Spring is in full swing in Florida of 1983. Most everyone I knew were all excited about their college prospects and their futures as adults on their own for the first time. Of course I'm writing this with my current adult perspective. But, back then. I didn't understand. I didn't even understand the concept of wearing gowns for graduating. I did not even understand the importance of graduating high school or the symbolic importance of it. After all, most kids have worked hard for 12 years in order to prepare for college and then onto their selected careers.
For me there was no preparation. School was only that something that I had to go to because it was the law. School was a place where I was not welcomed. I have wondered why I was not strong enough to work beyond those limitations that I believed in. That everyone believed in. I was a defective person with an IQ of about 70. I believed it. I was prescribed 50 Mg of Cylert and 50 Mg of Ritalin. I was raised in a house of abuse and torture. I never did any home work and never had to. Yet, I was still passed along. Then those foster care years. Where education was not important at all and every teacher in school didn't expect very much from me. I had a guardian and they all seemed to know that I was a trouble maker. That why kids are in foster care? right? because we have caused all of the problems in our families and our parents could not control us kids. Even though I was adopted. Yea, the adoptive mother told me that she should have never adopted me. So, how could I have even had a fair chance/opportunity for any type of an education? There wasn't.
Back to 1983. That is where my mind still is and I'm coping as I type it.
I knew there was a college and it was called St. Petersburg Junior College. I knew those adults studied something but I wasn't really sure nor was I even aware what for.
Some of those whom I hung out with were going to colleges far away and to Florida State and to other Colleges. They were excited and I felt their excitement and wanted that for myself. So, I talked with my dad and I sent out for information to the University of Alabama's engineering dept. That is what my dad was and where he went to college. So, why not. I had a very deep admiration for him. The respect he garnered from everyone else. He was incredibly intelligent and everyone knew it who worked with him. I could see this and feel it as well. I wanted that for me.
The end of the school year was coming and the beach was calling me. The graduation celebration was going on and ended and I still could not fathom as to why. Some friends were packing up and making more arrangements for after high school. Spending more time with their parents as opposed to going out to Clearwater beach.
Well, A bomb hit me. I had to go to summer school in order to graduate high school. Some class I never took in the ninth grade was a required course and was necessary in order to graduate. No one even caught it. Well, My attitude was. Oh well, i quit. I'm done with it all. I just don't care. Yes, that is right. I had made that decision over one single class. Well, the dad didn't accept that decision at all and proclaimed that I would go and that I would finish. So, I did. He had never really been forceful with me over anything. This time he made that difference.
So I went to that one ninth grade social studies class and passed it. It was easy and the teacher had mercy upon me.
I received the University of Alabama, School of Engineering welcome and information booklets. I wanted so much to be positively excited about something in my life. Even though I had no clue and no direction. I read everything with anticipation and excitement. The history and going to a school my dad went to as well as the rest of the family. This is the next step in a young persons life and I was clearly seeing it. This leads to more opportunities. Even though I wasn't exactly clear on what that meant.
Then I got to the minimum requirements page and my heart just sank. My high school GPA was a 1.81 something. Which doesn't really qualify you for entry to anywhere let alone a top notch university. What little self esteem I had was lower than ever. I watched people say good bye to their old friends and said goodbye to them as well. Never saw them again.
I would assume they went onto college. Celebrated graduation and entered adulthood with excitement.
Sitting on the living room floor. My dad was quiet and I just threw it all away. I'm useless. Now all of a sudden I'm thinking about my future. The other kids had 12 years to prepare and plan for college and adulthood. I only thought about this for less than 45 days+/-. That quickly I was denied.
My hope was again gone. What little bit of hope I had and I wasn't even aware of and now I'm aware of hope and it was gone. This has been a brutal joke and just accepted that my life would end in some tragedy. Thus ending it all. It would probably be the best thing for my dad if I died. He never really cared as I knew I was an embarrassment to him and yet again I proved it.
So I just went on living my life as I had done. Until, I died. I figured I could not live past 24 years of age.
End of Flashback. Though the head ache is still very painful. Sounds hurt. Lights hurt. The typing rings echoes in my brain.
I do foresee more education for more advancements and income potential. The day where all you need is a single four year college degree is over. Do not become forty years old with only one singular four year college degree and do not get entrapped with one of those fake college degrees from Phoenix, Devry or ITT type of phony schools.
Please learn this wisdom and understand it's message. Make those right and correct decisions in your life. Plan your progressing educational future accordingly. Accept this truth that education is forever and is necessary for promotion and more income potentials.
I am exhausted from this. Back pain and tensions. I work through this one. I do not drink nor take drugs. I do not smoke anything. I do not take any mind altering medications.
When you have much trauma in your life. You just gotta let it flow and learn all you can from those flashbacks. It also, helps to have much hugs while your enduring through them.
You must understand. To take any mind altering medication does not help you through the healing process. It hinders and stops it. Drinking alcohol and smoking also do not help you in healing from what ever trauma in which you have survived. Even if the end results of your trauma is, that there is no logical way or reason as to why you have survived. But you/I did. Because, of that fluke of nature. We must choose to march forward and onward.
NO EXCUSES for the life you want for yourself tomorrow. Live all of your tomorrows with purpose, focus, determination and meaning. Your not a fluke nor are you an accident.
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