Arrogant Beauty: (Unedited): 2? April 2015:

The arrogant pride of a person. Will prevent him/her from ever knowing true beauty.

C.J.MacKechnie

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Being self absorbed with a mindset of being all important. This extreme inward thinking and feeling. Will prevent you from doing anything for anyone or anything without a needed wanted of "What's in it for me" attitude. I guess we all suffer this to a degree. Myself included. What's in it for me? Why must I write? No one really cares about wisdom anymore or even understanding. Only knowledge is good enough. Which puffs you up into all self importance. I wonder sometimes if I would have been that prideful and arrogant person who actually had a fair opportunity for an education. Gone off to college received a degree or three. I mean really. Look at my writing style. It is genuinely awful. But, it is representative of how far I was educated.

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Child Abuse Rant. It's April.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/preventing/preventionmonth/

But, my words right now are just reflective and the truth of me. I was born with a boat load of arrogant pride. For many years of my own life I was unable to see any beauty in anything. Maybe, I was still suffering and still trying to grasp why? why me? why them? why not?
It is difficult to transcend years of abuse, torment. Especially, if you have never had any reasonable training in how to handle the psychological damage done to you. After all, I was adopted into it. I was chosen to be abused. Much like some lonely pet whose only constant companion is a chain around their scarred neck and fed every so often to prevent death.
That is the thing about abuse and torture. It never was about the one who is abused. It is always about the abuser. You are and were just the body present. If it weren't you then it would be someone else. This is the essential truth. You the one who was abused was never ever really that important to your abuser. Except for the fact of their confronted embarrassment or their own self absorbed pride which suddenly blames you the who was abused for everything and all of their problems. Really, This happens. Can you imagine being a child and being blamed for their parents alcoholism, drug addictions and cigarette smoking. Every single problem that the abusing parent has originated with their child. Wow, can you imagine a child with that much power and authority.
Many people do not understand the logic behind the abuse of children. To spend the majority of your entire childhood being abused and tortured. Yes, I use the word torture. Because years of abuse is sadistic torture. Then it is expected of that young person to just get over it and get a life. Today, we don't even expect our military to just get over their wars without many years of compassion and mercy. Yet, a child who becomes an adult is expected to just move on. Move on from where? These abused children have nothing positive to begin with. Abused Children have no positive support structure. Abused children are shunned by the community as some kind of reject or untrusted criminal who will rob them. Abused children have no positive family support system. So, where do abused children begin their lives. When the adult business world requires education and references just to gain entry. Abused children have none of that. So where do abused children begin? Typically, on the street. Stealing food just to eat. Thus, begins their life of in and out of jail. Statistically speaking.
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Confronted Nine: (Unedited): 27 April 2015:

Baseball, I loved baseball. It is where you stand alone confronted by nine. Who only want to do everything possible to get you out. This is representative of life in general.

C.J.MacKechnie

Another fair opportunity in my life taken from me. I was never really a big strong person. But, I could hit the baseball into the holes and get on base. Then I could run. oh yes, I could run. I felt comfortable on third, playing softball as a young adult. How far would my dream had taken me. Maybe. High school or even college. Who knows. I still love the smell of the clay and the grass.
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https://youtu.be/29nIXG5KJYw
https://youtu.be/dJ33e9BK9aU

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Musings of an American Truck Driver 
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http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0985310308
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1477629769
======================================== 

Educational Flashback: (Unedited): 15 Nov 2014:

:FLASHBACK:

Incredible Headache right now. Pressure and tension in the back of my neck. I feel heat.
My body is here in this time and Now. But, my mind is back when I was 17 years old. Spring is in full swing in Florida of 1983. Most everyone I knew were all excited about their college prospects and their futures as adults on their own for the first time. Of course I'm writing this with my current adult perspective. But, back then. I didn't understand. I didn't even understand the concept of wearing gowns for graduating. I did not even understand the importance of graduating high school or the symbolic importance of it. After all, most kids have worked hard for 12 years in order to prepare for college and then onto their selected careers.
For me there was no preparation. School was only that something that I had to go to because it was the law. School was a place where I was not welcomed. I have wondered why I was not strong enough to work beyond those limitations that I believed in. That everyone believed in. I was a defective person with an IQ of about 70. I believed it. I was prescribed 50 Mg of Cylert and 50 Mg of Ritalin. I was raised in a house of abuse and torture. I never did any home work and never had to. Yet, I was still passed along. Then those foster care years. Where education was not important at all and every teacher in school didn't expect very much from me. I had a guardian and they all seemed to know that I was a trouble maker. That why kids are in foster care? right? because we have caused all of the problems in our families and our parents could not control us kids. Even though I was adopted. Yea, the adoptive mother told me that she should have never adopted me. So, how could I have even had a fair chance/opportunity for any type of an education? There wasn't.
Back to 1983. That is where my mind still is and I'm coping as I type it.
I knew there was a college and it was called St. Petersburg Junior College. I knew those adults studied something but I wasn't really sure nor was I even aware what for.
Some of those whom I hung out with were going to colleges far away and to Florida State and to other Colleges. They were excited and I felt their excitement and wanted that for myself. So, I talked with my dad and I sent out for information to the University of Alabama's engineering dept. That is what my dad was and where he went to college. So, why not. I had a very deep admiration for him. The respect he garnered from everyone else. He was incredibly intelligent and everyone knew it who worked with him. I could see this and feel it as well. I wanted that for me.
The end of the school year was coming and the beach was calling me. The graduation celebration was going on and ended and I still could not fathom as to why. Some friends were packing up and making more arrangements for after high school. Spending more time with their parents as opposed to going out to Clearwater beach.

Well, A bomb hit me. I had to go to summer school in order to graduate high school. Some class I never took in the ninth grade was a required course and was necessary in order to graduate. No one even caught it. Well, My attitude was. Oh well, i quit.  I'm done with it all. I just don't care. Yes, that is right. I had made that decision over one single class. Well, the dad didn't accept that decision at all and proclaimed that I would go and that I would finish. So, I did. He had never really been forceful with me over anything. This time he made that difference.
So I went to that one ninth grade social studies class and passed it. It was easy and the teacher had mercy upon me.

I received the University of Alabama, School of Engineering welcome and information booklets. I wanted so much to be positively excited about something in my life. Even though I had no clue and no direction. I read everything with anticipation and excitement. The history and going to a school my dad went to as well as the rest of the family. This is the next step in a young persons life and I was clearly seeing it. This leads to more opportunities. Even though I wasn't exactly clear on what that meant.
Then I got to the minimum requirements page and my heart just sank. My high school GPA was a 1.81 something. Which doesn't really qualify you for entry to anywhere let alone a top notch university. What little self esteem I had was lower than ever. I watched people say good bye to their old friends and said goodbye to them as well. Never saw them again.
I would assume they went onto college. Celebrated graduation and entered adulthood with excitement.
Sitting on the living room floor. My dad was quiet and I just threw it all away. I'm useless. Now all of a sudden I'm thinking about my future. The other kids had 12 years to prepare and plan for college and adulthood. I only thought about this for less than 45 days+/-. That quickly I was denied.
My hope was again gone. What little bit of hope I had and I wasn't even aware of and now I'm aware of hope and it was gone. This has been a brutal joke and just accepted that my life would end in some tragedy. Thus ending it all. It would probably be the best thing for my dad if I died. He never really cared as I knew I was an embarrassment to him and yet again I proved it.
So I just went on living my life as I had done. Until, I died. I figured I could not live past 24 years of age.
End of Flashback. Though the head ache is still very painful. Sounds hurt. Lights hurt. The typing rings echoes in my brain.
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:Prophetic Observations:

Back in 1983. A four year college degree would support your family pretty well. With only one parent working. Today, This what I am about to say seems to still be some secret. You now must have and be able to obtain multiple related college degrees. In order to have a comfortable lifestyle. In which both parents must work. In thirty years. These are the changes in which I have witnessed.
I do foresee more education for more advancements and income potential. The day where all you need is a single four year college degree is over. Do not become forty years old with only one singular four year college degree and do not get entrapped with one of those fake college degrees from Phoenix, Devry or ITT type of phony schools.
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Please learn this wisdom and understand it's message. Make those right and correct decisions in your life. Plan your progressing educational future accordingly. Accept this truth that education is forever and is necessary for promotion and more income potentials.
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I am exhausted from this. Back pain and tensions. I work through this one. I do not drink nor take drugs. I do not smoke anything. I do not take any mind altering medications.
When you have much trauma in your life. You just gotta let it flow and learn all you can from those flashbacks. It also, helps to have much hugs while your enduring through them.
You must understand. To take any mind altering medication does not help you through the healing process. It hinders and stops it. Drinking alcohol and smoking also do not help you in healing from what ever trauma in which you have survived. Even if the end results of your trauma is, that there is no logical way or reason as to why you have survived. But you/I did. Because, of that fluke of nature. We must choose to march forward and onward.
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NO EXCUSES for the life you want for yourself tomorrow. Live all of your tomorrows with purpose, focus, determination and meaning. Your not a fluke nor are you an accident.
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  “Musings of an American Truck Driver”:
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0985310308
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1477629769
===================================

25 Aug 2014 Flasback: (Unedited):

All of a sudden. There I am in many paces at a single moment of time. All of them based in my own sense of loneliness within this world of many. Even in those places where fun isn't supposed to be so lonely.
Walt Disney,  Busch Gardens.

My adopted dad took me to these two theme parks only once each. In each case. He refused to ride any rides with me. It seemed like I had to drag all through the parks and knew he really didn't want to be there or with me.  How is this important in the grand scheme of things? Just the sense of loneliness I have always felt in life. Not ever having anyone who truly wanted to share a positive childhood with. If you have read some of my other personal notes you may know the rest.

Flashbacks will come and go and it is of importance to deal with each one in a timely and safe manor with a strong and sober mind.
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Sometimes humor just works even if it is from a lizard.
http://youtu.be/kCysb4_-4jU
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Sometimes your current life is a lot different then it was. Simply because I choose not to drink, smoke, drug or medicate. In which all of those things would have taken from me the ability to heal from those woes of long ago. Those decisions were that important. To do those things would have inhibited in some way the happiness that I wanted.

http://youtu.be/y6Sxv-sUYtM
 
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Sometimes you have to just change the way things are to the best you can. Even if your best may not be good enough for your own children and wife. Because, deep down you know they all deserved much more then you could ever provide for them. Such is one of the reason for all of my writings. It is all for them and for the next new generations.
When you have nothing and no one. You just have to do all you can without rest and just hope with all of the hope you can muster that your efforts will eventually work. Even if those efforts are only realized through your adult children and Grand Children.
This is how you combat, confront, conquer any PTSD related events. You must endure them with a sober mind. Is it fun to be drug and or medication free. Nope. It is the best choice for eventual freedom from the bad and sad of your former life. That is also another key. You must choose to make all of the bad and sad, your former life.

So, if that means you need to obtain an education. Then go and get it. Beyond that which you think you need today. Just to prove a point to yourself. That your greater than any minimum standard. After all, You have already survived what truly a bad and sad situation really was. Aren't you that much stronger than the average and normal. So, do not fall into that trap or box of wanting to be average or normal. Your much much more than that. The average and normal may not have the strength or courage to endure or even survive what you have had to in this life. I the writer of this may not have been able to endure or survive your life of woes. So, seek and find solace in that.
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The difference between a spiritual attack and a PTSD. A PTSD is one created by your entire memory of the event. You experience everything. The sounds, The smells, The emotions, The actions, The visions and much more. Sometimes the PTSD can be so intense that somehow you believe you are actually there even though you know you are not. Which brings logical conflict and confusion to your own mind.  You may even confuse others as those who wanted to harm you and take action upon them. The intensity is very high.
The spiritual attack is somewhat different. The demonic spirits which begin an attack upon you are not perfect and thorough in their attack. The simulated PTSD or spiritual attack seems to be much less in the use of complete memories. The entire experience of a spiritual attack is lacking in the sounds, the smells, the emotions, the actions,the visions and much more. The spiritual attack occurs because you have began some sort of righteous journey in life or maybe you are about to decide to begin a righteous journey. So the spiritual attack pieces together all of your memories. In the hopes that you believe these inserted false memories are your own. If you believe, your own brain will or should fill in the rest of the information of their attack upon you. The logical part of your own brain, if you choose to listen to that part will send up warnings that something is odd in some way. That is when you should take the time to just stop, to just pray and to just meditate. Just by doing so. The spirits who are attacking you become embroiled and know of their failure. Because, their attack upon you was purposed to prevent you from continuing on the righteous path and yet you logically resorted to being righteous right then and right now. The essence of a spiritual failure on the fallen ones part. Always know that many of these fallen ones are greatly superior to any human being. Yet, for all of their superiority they failed with you. Your victorious in that one attack.
Then repeat your righteous actions and live your righteous life.
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At the top right of my blogger page is a donate button for PayPal. If you liked this blog, were inspired from it. Please help me out with just a little something.  Anything is greatly appreciated and welcomed. 
========================
=================================
Musings of an American Truck Driver 
======================================
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0985310308
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1477629769
========================================