Personal Notes in note form:
The word "home" has been repeated many times to me this last few weeks. Is there a message?
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Where is the home of your heart? Where is the home of your spirit? Where is the home of your mind? Where is the home of your body? Where is the home of your family? Where is the home of your ancestors? Do you still consider any of them your home? Even if you wanted to consider them home are you permitted to?
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For me it is very disturbing to watch the younger generation exercising their new parental authority and selling off and giving away their ancestral rights to ancient lands. All for a bowl of soup. Those new adults in their new responsibilities and they see no importance in their own family history. All they do is sell sell sell, even the historical war relics of their ancestors' heroism.
I see the burdens in those still living ancient ones who have been cast aside in the present but in actuality have been forgotten a long time ago. Maybe, it is all repayment for when those now helpless ancestors chose their careers over their own flesh and blood children, and the grandparents chose a far away retirement and just gave up on the lives of their own grandchildren, so much so that to the grandchildren their grandparents are just strangers with no life memory to hold onto the importance of the past heritages.
So much have I seen and witnessed of the elders and disabled family members who have been forgotten by their own blood kin or just neglected. It becomes their own sin and my pain for those elder and disabled souls who confide in me. For in their moment of being forgotten, we both share in our collective history of abandonment.
I watch my children grow into their adulthoods and I see their hardships which can be directly tied to my own hardships and my own failures, even the failures in which there is no compassion, mercy or forgiveness. It is they who pay for my sins and woes. Most humans know how to answer correctly but in their own real answer there is only neglectful inaction which originates from their own comfort level.
I have seen how it is supposed to be. How family and home is supposed to work. How a family and a home is supposed to be that welcoming warm place of sanctuary and refuge. Where a son and a daughter will be joyfully welcomed when out in the stormy cold of the cruel world. So how can a wayward prodigal son return home when home is a nothing of an unwelcoming place? I've been thirsty in the desert. I've been cold and alone with only the howls of the coyotes flaming my fears. I've been scared of the dark while sleeping in my camphor tree. I've walked upon the dark snake in the night and fear the fake lights of man. I've been starved and have eaten like a happy dog feasting on his great prize from the trash cans. I've swum in the stream of the moccasin as he was drawn into my wake. I've run away only to realize that no one would care if I ever returned or even question why I never came home when I did (8 years old). How many times should I have died? Yet, I type off photons upon your screen. Can you feel the dark dwell of the abyss that I have drawn you into? That dark tube leads to a geometric shape. But, I know if I continue to drag you down with me we each may lose ourselves from reality, because the deeper we go the more strange it becomes as well as all of the realities. The reality of my life was supposed to be with two whom I have met. But they have been swayed by the world as their families become lost into the gravitational grasp of family name extinction and then extinction of totality. All you have to do is drag your leg furthest away from the gravitational tug and you will be free. Just by looking up and over into the calm, you will be there. Even if you dwell within your own depressive state, all you have to do is decide not to dwell in it. Just thinking about the beauty which surrounds you can be enough to cause you not to dwell in your own negativity. Then realize that the beauty around you has always been and will always be regardless of how you feel or what you think.
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Maybe turning past 50, I see what my children have lost out on. The lessons and lives of elder and ancestral family members. We have none. The lessons from aunts, uncles and cousins to teach the lessons of what makes this one family unique by their outward actions and inward thinking.
How many of you would love to actually have an ancient home in which you could teach and acquaint your children and grandchildren with? For me it is a burden to know that I cannot teach my children where the home of their family is as there is none.
Being the end of the line means that I cannot be a part of their new beginning, like a Moses who was not allowed to enter into the promised land because of his sin. But, the children of the slaves did as their parents who departed Egypt and who could not shake themselves from their slavish ways and had to die in the wilderness and they did.
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Home and ancient home I have none. Name and ancient name I have none. Yet, I'm tied to Germany and Scotland in some unaccepted way. Even though my DNA may just contradict them both or agree with them. I know not. Yet I'm not bound by either and neither holds any claim on me. Stripped from all and all that remains is the nakedness of my spirit. Even to the point all that remains in the physical is the intertwined base of my core humanity. All I am is a chemical and mathematical representation of that which God had desired to exist in this singular moment in time according to my limited awareness. Even my thoughts are without any mass. My emotions are without substance and my spirit cannot be proven in science. This is who I am and nothing more. I am of the dirt and can only look up to the maggots and worms as they all are completely obedient to the will of God without any debate or negotiation. Even all other animals and plants all know who and what they are. They all know their individual function and purpose. In their own way and understanding of time they all worship God with all that they are. Why can't humanity do the same, or I for that matter?
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The home of my person is with my wife. The home of my spirit is with the Heavenly Father. Without my wife I am alone. Without the Heavenly Father I am nothing.
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Yes, I have children and my comments are not intended to exclude them in any way. I love my children and am very proud of all of them.
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Go and sin no more.
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To avert all of the coming bad and sad prophecies. We each must decide to do the following everyday, every hour, every minute and every second.
To Love one another.
To live in peace with everyone.
To exist in harmony with all.
To Cherish all life.
To be obedient to the Laws of God.
To become righteous and holy by the accepting eyes of God only.
All without any pride, ego, arrogance, supremacy and entitlements.
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Musings of an American Truck Driver books
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0985310308
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1477629769
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