For many people and many young people. They seem to know that they have no hope, never had any hope and never will have hope. If there is to be any hope then it will come from soon to be seen leader. Then when that leader is gone. Hopelessness returns. This is a false belief system. No one can take away your hope or even give you hope. All of the hope you have ever experienced no matter how small. Was all based in your own decision to have hope for that little moment in time.
All of the hope you will ever have is solely conditional upon your own mental decision and emotional desire to have hope. Your hope doesn't have to be focused but it is ok if it is for a time. upon one teacher, one leader, one famous person or even on one family member. It is OK to be excited and hopeful with other people as the hope being around other people seems to become magnified.
Search your memories for anything good. For some people this can be very tough. Like for me and my childhood. But, there can be some good ones. No matter how fleeting they may be. Playing baseball was good for me. Sleeping in the cradle of my Camphor tree in Clearwater, Fl. The hope of playing a game and of the hope of sleeping peacefully in a tree. Looking forward to a thing is basic hope. No matter how difficult life can be in your life right now. You can allow yourself to have hope. You can plan for yourself to create new and good memories. These are all in your hope. Then when you do create a good memory amongst so many bad memories. They shall always stand out in your own mind as good. The good thoughts/memories which shall begin to overpower the bad thoughts/memories in time.
I am thankful to my "former best friends family" (See Note) for allowing me to sleep over often and feeding me often. i am thankful for my Black Webco Motocross bike which game me freedom to escape.
I am thankful for the short time I played baseball. I am thankful for the few times I slept in the Camphor tree as a child. I am thankful for the few times I slept under the big pier 60 on Clearwater Beach. I am thankful for sleeping inside of Hwy 19 train track bridge. I am thankful for the pizza I ate out of the trash can for Shakey's pizza (Hwy60). I am thankful for the thrown out burgers from burger king in the green pickle bucket. I am thankful for the popcorn at the Clearwater 4 movie theaters.
Even in these awful memories which caused me to go to other places. I was thankful.
Something happened when I was alone in the dark with myself and being completely distraught and crying into the Gulf of Mexico. All I want is a family. To be not alone any more. To be wanted. To be loved. Is that to much for any one person to have. No matter how worthless they are. No matter how dumb, stupid and retarded they are. No matter how less than they are to everyone else. These were not words just deep emotions of personal truths of knowing. Even if they were my own lies and deceptions. Pushed into me by the world and of my adoptive family.
From there at this point in be young adult life. That from this point on this darkened lonely beach in Clearwater. I found hope. Even though I had no idea what hope was or was even able to recognize hope as something good. Hope was there. In that time of my life when I was darker than a secluded beach with no moon or stars. The glimmer of hopes light was ever present.
Note: "Former Best friend" A person such as myself became so bad. That he and his family had to end the relationship with me. It was all my fault. I had become that bad. I had become dangerous. In any of my writings where I include some personal history. Do not assume that it was someones else fault. I was and had become that bad. When there is an absence of goodness in your life. I guess you become a part of that darkness. I had done that.
Dark Absence: 23 Nov 2015:
The longer a person remains in the darkness the more they lose themselves to the darkness. Until, the life they had of their own is lost forever. Becoming filled with worthless apathy of lonely meaningless absence. Becoming a darkened shell of nothing important within, with no control, no power, no hope. but, wait. Did you read above?
That is the one thing that I remember most in reflecting. How I started to become so bad that anyone who was good began to absolutely reject me. Shouldn't that be the opposite in life. When a child is in such a dark place that the light of goodness becomes like that life saving beacon of a light house?
At the top right of my blogger page is a donate button for PayPal. If you liked this blog, were inspired from it. Please help me out with just a little something. Anything is greatly appreciated and welcomed.
Musings of an American Truck Driver