There was a time in my life when I feared my dangerous adoptive mother and yet I
desperately needed her love. I also had fear for everything and of
everyone else. If I was hurt in any way. I would always respond in
anger, violence and misdeeds against those persons. Then one day as I
was being beaten. I decided to stop screaming and to stop my panic. This
started my adoptive mother. She knew in that moment that I will never
fear her again. I could never ever verbally explain it better than this.
This is from Will Smith in After Earth.
My adoptive mother was the greatest monster in my life. Then after she died when I was 13 and in Foster Care. I became my own monster in my life. I guess I was just so conditioned. That I needed all of that violence, turmoil, panic, desperation, unnecessary risk, drama and all of those other things which just go along with all of that. It was all I knew. It was all I had. Then to give up all of that bad and sad. just left me in the quiet alone. Which just seemed more awful then the physical pains and traumas. I know I'm being vague. Do I really need to be specific here. If you were abused. Then you just know or have a very good idea. This is supposed to be about you as I have already conquered the bad and sad in my life. There was no one there even though I always expected someone to save me and then when a good person did come around. I bit their heads off (Symbolically). Really. That was smart of me (NOT). There is much hope for you. You are stronger than most as you have survived the worst that life can bring to you. Yes, you deeply feel those who you once knew. Who did not survive. Move forward and choose a better more gooder life. In their memory as well. All the way until you forget their names.
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Short version. 1:18. https://youtu.be/jgjibFrh0CE
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Not as short version: 4:13. https://youtu.be/bgAEHdKuR7Q
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/After_Earth
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How many times did she try to kill me? How many times did she knock me out? I am who I am today because of her. She forced me to either become strong or die. She forced me to choose between giving up or to never ever quit. Harsh? yes. Fair? no. Evil? Absolutely. The essence of all of the abuses and tortures is as I stand here alive or really sitting in a broken pink flowery girlie chair. Contemplating all of this. Not reminiscing in any of those terrible dark memories or reliving any of those depressing and hopeless emotions. To me all of those memories have become just cold historical evidences of my former life. I am no longer who I was back then. In time you can say the same thing about yourself. Once you make that deep decision. Which changes everything that you are now.
I did make that decision. Even though I could not articulate very much back then and still not able to verbally speak those profound words any better than Will Smith in character.
From that very same action within my own mind. That place so deep where words just become inefficient.
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Decided Decision: (Unedited): 02 Sept 2015:
"I decided and from that very decision changed my base mental programming forever."
C.J.MacKechnie
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From that one decision. Led to others. No more mind altering anything. No alcohol. No drugs. Just No. All of that brutality, negativity, hate, anger, rejection I grew up with ends with me. Period.
I began searching for more lies and deceptions. Then I reject them all. In the same way I decided not to fear my adoptive mother any more. I found the openly secret truth of racism and reject it.
I have never hit my children or my wife. This doesn't mean I wont lay several knots of understanding across your forehead if you act stupid in front of me. Please don't. I'm getting to old for that. Oh yea love and peace.
This is for you, The abused people. Find your own victory deep within your core being. Become your own hero and save yourself. Stop being the emotional and helpless victim. Become your own hero and save yourself. Hard words which are harsh. But, somehow and by someway your reading my words. Nothing is working right and all of the answers are just to impossible for you. Of course they are impossible. That is because you have not acknowledged yourself. Your right to live. Your right to exist. Your right for all that you may want to BE possible. All I ever wanted was a family. Those unspoken words in which I shed many tears into the Gulf of Mexico on Clearwater Beach and Dunedin causeway. I knew I was worthless. I just knew it. I knew I was unwanted by everyone. I knew I had no hope. I knew everything was impossible for me. I knew I was dumb, stupid and retarded. I just knew it. I had no chance and zero opportunities. I knew i would be dead by the time I was 24. I just knew it. So why plan for anything.
Then I saw a poster of Mohamed Ali "I'M Possible". That sat in my mind for a long time. Before I could ever put it into action. I had to first Become my own hero and save myself and so should you. Can you see the difference? From impossible to I'm Possible.
So, what are you going to do now? You have been abused, maybe tortured. You may have been forgotten, rejected in every way. Your family members may have even tried to kill you. Maybe, your abuses that you had to endure were far greater than anything I ever had to endure and yet here you are.
I tell you the truth. You are far more powerful than anyone will ever give you credit for. You endured and survived. Make that decision to no longer be the forever helpless victim. Look into the future of your life and start taking those forward moving steps towards that finish line of your own design.
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Every Success: (Unedited): 02 Sept 2015:
Every success you achieve. Every single one.
Shall become your abusers badges of ultimate failures.
For their goal was to destroy you wholly.
Your light they could not extinguish.
They tried and failed.
You're already victorious.
C.J.MacKechnie
======================
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Musings of an American Truck Driver
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